The End of Me

End of Me

The FTC requires that I tell you that I received the book The End of Me for free in exchange for a review, and I was compensated with a gift certificate. The opinions in this blog are my own, and I would never recommend something to you that I don’t love myself. With the formalities out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff.

The past six months have been tough. I’m beginning to feel a lot like Job. They have looked something like this: meningitis, throat abscess, tonsillectomy, broken hand, hyperthyroid diagnosis, liver issues, ER visit, father-in-law has a stroke, and the dog sprains his ankle (yes, that can happen). The last four happened last week.

And that’s just the major stuff. We’ve also had school issues, relationships beginning and ending and the normal, everyday drama that comes from having a 12-year-old and 14-year-old daughter.

Several weeks ago, I started reading The End of Me by Kyle Idleman, which was sent to me by Family Christian, and it spoke to me. It spoke God right into the midst of this mess we call our lives right now. It stopped me in my tracks and made me realize that I truly have to get to the end of me before Jesus can truly use me in the way that He wants.

There are no easy answers in this book. My life didn’t immediately become hunky-dory as evidenced by the nightmare that was last week. I am truly at the end of every bit of strength and sanity I possess to make it through tomorrow.

But what this book made me realize is that I’m of no use to God when I’m trying to do everything myself. I can’t be effective as a wife, a mom or in ministry if I’m doing it on my own.

The End of Me made me realize that I have to truly mourn my sin and follow Jesus’ example in humility if I want to have any effect in the kingdom of God. I also have to let God work even through my weaknesses. God requires authenticity, He wants us to lay our ragged, worn out, I-don’t-know-what-to-do selves at the foot of the cross so He can showcase His strength through our weakness.

Kyle Idleman uses the Beattitudes to discuss the beauty of truly mourning our sin, the importance of humility, and why we need to be authentic. He shows that the upside-down logic of the Beattitudes has the power to change the way we see the world.

In the second half of the book, he uses Jesus’ encounters with others as examples of how God can use us in our weakness and our imperfection. From the parable of the great banquet to Saul’s encounter with Jesus, he vividly shows how when we get to the end our ourselves, God can then use us in a mighty way.

Reading this book didn’t make my life perfect, but it offered perfect perspective on the idea that God can only truly use me when I come to the end of me.

When Sports Aren’t Fun Anymore


My older daughter’s soccer team has had a rough start to the season. They have lost two games by a lot of goals. That’s made for some pretty grumpy Sunday afternoons around here.

It’s been a rough sports year in this house. Our hockey season was something of a mess with my younger daughter. My older daughter went through a coaching change back in the fall followed by about four months of nagging injury. The frustration level surrounding sports has been pretty high.

As we were driving home from practice the other day, my older daughter was talking about how much pressure she felt to do well in soccer, to do well in track and to keep her grades up at school. When we got home, I stopped the car and looked at her. “If this isn’t fun, then let’s not do it,” I told her.

My daughter is 13. She has high hopes for playing soccer in high school and maybe college. But the reality is that she’s a 13-year-old girl. She has a dream she’s chasing, yes, but she also has a family and friends. She has school and church.

She loves soccer with a passion. I have no doubt that God gave her a talent and a passion for the sport, and I want her to follow that talent and passion as far as she wants to. But I also want it to be fun. At 13, if it isn’t fun, you shouldn’t be doing it.

We as a society have created this merry-go-round youth sports culture where there seems to be no in-between. You can either pour tons of money and time and stress into your kids playing sports or you can play at a level where the coaching isn’t great and your child doesn’t improve. And the parents at the first level are often pushing their kids hard to see a return on their “investment.” When you have a kid who is driven to succeed, it seems there is no middle ground.

I can’t change the culture where I live. I can’t suddenly create a less stressful environment for my daughter. But I can remind her that this is a game, and it’s supposed to be fun. When the game causes more tears than smiles, it’s time to reevaluate. It’s time to take a step back and look at the priority my daughter is placing on it. Because I want her to succeed at whatever it is she attempts. I want her to work hard and be the best she can be at whatever she sets her hand to. But I want her to do it for the right reasons, and I want her to do it with joy.

I want her to be striving to succeed because she’s living out the words of Colossians 3:23-24, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” And I want her joy in using her God-given talents to shine through when she’s playing. If that’s not the priority, then we need to reorganize.

Because the reality is that someday my daughter’s playing days will be over. When they are, I want her to have learned life lessons about winning and losing and doing your best. But I also want her to have memories of fun and joy and laughter. I want her to look back at these years and think it was worth it because of the friendships she’s made and the fun she had.

Because in the end, this is a game, and it’s supposed to be fun.

Take Time to Enjoy Your Kids


I sat down and played board games with my younger daughter yesterday afternoon. I had a ton of stuff to do to finish the laundry and get us packed for our trip this weekend. Board games were not on my to-do list.

But when she asked to play, I realized that as much time as I’ve spent with this younger child of mine this year, the past month or so has been lacking in time spent just playing. We’ve done school. We’ve run errands. We’ve even been on a field trip or two. But we haven’t played and simply been silly. We haven’t had many of those moments where we’ve done something just because it’s fun.

So yesterday, I set aside the to-do list and played board games for an hour. We might leave a little bit later on our trip than I planned because I made that choice, but it was worth it.

You see, my younger daughter feels loved when you spend time with her doing the things that she likes to do. She enjoys the simple moments spent playing a board game or shooting hoops on the driveway. She’d rather spend 10 minutes taking a walk with me than watch TV by herself.

My girls are almost 13 and 11. I have five and seven years left with them at home. If this year is any indication, those years are going to fly by in the blink of an eye. When they leave home, I want them to remember home as a place where they were valued, a place where they were loved  and a place where laughter and fun were as much a part of the fabric of our home as discipline and learning.

Because our role as parents isn’t just to teach our kids. It’s to laugh with them. It’s to steal moments to play with them. It’s to enjoy them. While God calls us to constantly be teaching our kids about Him (Deuteronomy 6:6-9), He also tells us that they are a heritage and a reward (Psalm 127:3). I know that I can sometimes get so focused on the teaching and training piece that I forget the heritage and reward piece.

So, today, I want to encourage you to enjoy your children. Set aside the to-do list and play with them. Do something that they want to do. Get down on the floor and play Hot Wheels. Go outside and splash in the rain puddles. Play a board game. Have a tea party. Read a book together.

Because our kids aren’t just a job to be done, another thing to check off our to-do list. They are a heritage and a reward from God. They are to be enjoyed.

When the Day Goes Bad

bad day

Yesterday was a long day. It started with a frantic call from a neighbor needing some help, ended with being an hour early for hockey practice because I got the time wrong, and in the middle, I ended up with some smashed fingers from the front door blowing shut as I was trying to close it. Not the most successful day.

By the time I got home from hockey practice last night at 9:15, I was ready to throw in the towel. Except I still needed to check in with my older daughter to see how watching soccer practice went (her foot is still in a boot), and I had to get my younger one into bed.

All I really wanted to do was sit down for a few minutes, talk to my husband for five uninterrupted minutes, maybe read a little in the book I’m reading (Monuments Men is a great read, if you’re interested), and go to bed. But the kids were calling.

It was one of those days when I would have enjoyed a vacation from being a mom. Actually, I would have enjoyed a vacation from life — just for a few hours. So, by the time I got home last night, I really didn’t want to sit down and listen to my older daughter tell me about her day. I really just wanted to pray with her, kiss her goodnight and leave the room.

But then I heard this still, small voice say, “She needs this. She needs you.”

“But everyone needs me,” I said.

“Then you just need Me,” the voice said.

And, oh, isn’t that the truth. In the midst of a day gone bad, there’s nothing I need more than Jesus. Because I truly am not capable of listening to one more story, helping with one more homework problem, or driving to one more practice without losing my mind.

It’s only by His grace and strength that I can make it through the days where the door slams on my fingers, the child has a temper tantrum, the grocery shopping doesn’t get done, and I get the time for practice wrong. In a day gone bad, God’s wisdom and grace are often the only thing left — because my tank is empty.

We can’t do this motherhood thing without God. When we try to do it all in our own strength, we won’t sit down and listen to the story of soccer practice at 9:30 at night. We won’t hold our tongues when a child gets on our last nerve. We won’t offer wisdom and teaching in a moment when all we want to do is hand out punishment. We won’t because we can’t. We simply don’t have that much patience, that much wisdom, that much love, that much mercy. But God does.

Last night after my no good, very bad, horrible day, I sat in my older daughter’s room for nearly half an hour, listening to the story of her evening, talking about her foot injury, laughing at her jokes. When I left her room, I was still tired. I still would have rather been reading a book. But I knew that my daughter had gotten what she needed from me last night. And God had given me what I needed to be the mom she needed.

Refuse to Let Evil Win


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I let my 12-year-old daughter go running by herself for the first time the other day. She ran around our neighborhood and returned successfully home. It was another step toward independence for her.

I was feeling pretty good about letting her jog around the neighborhood until yesterday when I heard the news about Hailey Owens. Hailey was 10. She was blocks from her house. And she was kidnapped and killed.

And my first instinct when I hear a story like that is to pull my kids close. It’s to keep them in a bubble. It’s to go everywhere with them and not let them out of my sight.

That might have worked when my girls were toddlers and preschoolers, but the truth is my older daughter is 12. She’s five years from graduating from high school. She has to learn to be independent. She has to learn how to navigate this world on her own.

And I have to give her that independence. It may be in baby steps like jogging around the neighborhood and going to the movies with her friends, but I have to start to let go. Even in the face of scary news like what came out of Springfield, Missouri, yesterday.

I can’t let my fears of the evil in this world hinder my girls’ ability to grow into the young women that God wants them to be. I don’t want to send my girls out into this world unprepared to stand on their own two feet. I don’t want them to always need me. And I don’t want them to live in fear.

Letting go of our kids and sending them out into this big, bad, scary world may well be the hardest part about being a parent. It means we have to let go of our fears, turn our kids over to God and let them navigate the twists and turns of life.

Even when we’re confronted with the evil in this world, we can’t let fear rule our parenting. Because when we do, Satan wins. Fear that paralyzes us, fear that keeps us from letting our children become independent, isn’t from God. 1 Timothy 1:7 says “For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline.” When we let fear control our decisions, we let Satan win. We let evil have the last say.

Today, it’s going to be hard to send my daughter out the door to school, it’s going to be hard to let her walk home from the bus stop. My heart will be breaking all day for the tragedy the Owens family has suffered. I’ll be flipping my porch light on tonight in honor of 10-year-old Hailey. I’ll be having conversations with my kids about what to do if a stranger approaches them. I’ll be hugging my girls just a little more today.

But I won’t be letting fear push me into creating a cocoon around my kids. I won’t let fear turn my girls into kids who are afraid to play outside or walk home from the bus stop. I won’t let Satan use fear to paralyze my parenting. Because if I do, then evil wins, Satan triumphs.

God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear — even in the face of horrible, incomprehensible evil. We can live without fear today because we’ve read the end of the story, and we know that God triumphs. So, today, say a prayer for the Owens family, hug your kids tight, teach them how to be as safe as you know how, then let them be children. Let them play outside, walk home from the bus stop, and continue to become independent. Because that’s how we triumph over evil — by refusing to let fear win.

The best book I’ve ever read about the dangers that confront our children and how to combat them is The The Gift of Fear : Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence by Gavin de Becker, and the best book I’ve ever read about protecting our kids is de Becker’s Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane). If you’re concerned about keeping your kids safe, read these books.

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Is it Ever OK to Lie?


My younger daughter is reading the book Shiloh as part of her schoolwork. Shiloh is about a little boy and a dog. The dog is being mistreated by its owner, so when the boy finds the dog wandering around one day, he takes the dog and hides him. Then the boy lies to his parents and the dog’s owner, and he justifies it by saying that Jesus would want him to rescue the dog because He wouldn’t want one of His animals to be mistreated.

This book has led to a few interesting discussions with my daughter about lying. We’ve been talking about whether it’s OK for the boy in this story to tell lies to achieve a greater good. And we’ve been talking about his justification for lying. The question we’ve been trying to answer is “Is it ever OK to tell a lie? Do the ends sometimes justify the means?”

The truth is that the ends don’t always justify the means. God says, “Do not lie.” That’s what He means. He doesn’t say, “Don’t lie unless it’s a really good cause.”

My daughter and I talked about lying yesterday, and we came to the conclusion that God always provides us with an answer to our problems that won’t require us to break His commandments. Even when it seems there’s no way out of a sticky situation that will honor God and solve the situation, there is. We just have to listen to what God has to say.

It’s so easy for our kids to get caught in the trap of walking outside of God’s plan because they think they are making a choice that benefits either themselves or other people. But the truth is that the only good choices are the ones made inside of God’s plan for us. When we make choices based on God’s design, on His commandments, and on Jesus’ example, we will find that God’s plan is way better than anything we can come up with on our own.

As our kids grow, we need to be diligent in showing them how to find God’s plan — even in the sticky situations. Psalm 100:5 tells us that “his faithfulness continues through all generations.” God is faithful to always provide us with a path to follow that leads to Him. He never leaves us. He never puts us in a situation with no way out. He is faithful.

Knowing that God is faithful allows us to follow His commandments without worrying that things will turn out badly if we do. God has a plan, and He doesn’t need us to ignore His commands and His direction to make that plan work. No matter how bleak the situation looks, if we stick with God’s plan, He will use it for good in the end.

Our kids need to know that even though they may face situations when lying or stealing or acting unkindly may seem like the only answer, God has a plan. He’s got the situation under control. He’s not going to ask them to go against His commands in any situation. God is faithful to provide us with everything we need to deal with a sticky situation — even if what He provides is simply enough grace to get through the moment.


Lessons from the Kitchen Table


For a long time, our kitchen table was one of the few new pieces of furniture we owned. As kids straight out of college living on two journalist’s salaries (read very little money), our furniture consisted mostly of a hodgepodge of hand-me-downs. A bedroom set straight out of the ’70s and a couch and chair that was originally bought by my grandparents made up the bulk of our furniture.

I remember when we bought our kitchen table and chairs. It was originally bought to go in our dining room. We looked for just the perfect table, one with plenty of room to stretch for entertaining (it seats 14 with both leaves in) and simple styling. For years, it sat in our dining room, rarely used except for special occasions.

Then, we moved to a house that doesn’t have a dining room, and it became our kitchen table where it was pressed into daily use. My kitchen table doesn’t look nearly as pristine as it did in the days when it was only used a couple times a year. The finish is wearing off in places. There’s a 3-inch-long scratch that it gained during the move. As I wiped it down the other day, I discovered someone’s Sharpie marker had bled through their paper to the wood below.

As I cleaned up the other day before some friends came over for the evening, I took a good look at my kitchen table. It no longer resembles that beautiful piece of furniture we bought as young newlyweds. It’s got a worn, well-used look to it. It has seen many dinners, birthday parties, craft projects and kids doing homework. It’s been burned, scarred, marked and worn.

But as I looked at that table, I realized that all those imperfections don’t matter because that table is where my family gathers. If our kitchen table could talk, it could tell you the story of our family. It could tell you about the moments of sorrow and the days when we shout for joy. It could tell you about the sillly dinnertime conversations and the serious talks we’ve had. It could tell you about moments of family crisis and moments where love won out over anger.

Because despite those marks and scars that our kitchen table carries, it serves it’s purpose in our home well. It’s not just a surface to set things on, it’s a the heart of our home. It’s a symbol of togetherness. Despite its less-than-pristine state, our kitchen table serves its purpose well.

And we’re a lot like our kitchen tables. Every single one of us carries the marks and scars of the battles of life. We’ve all been shaped by moments of pain and tragedy and moments of triumph and joy. Like our tables, we have stories to tell; stories that serve a purpose. All those scratches and dents, all those moments of joy give us a purpose far beyond simply going through the motions of life. Every experience that has shaped us is one that God can use for His purpose. There’s no scratch or dent that we’ve experienced that can’t be used to further God’s purpose. Romans 8:28 carries this promise: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose.”

Our kids have scratches and dents, too. As they leave our homes, the world does its best to ding them up before they return home. Our job is to help our kids understand that when we get dinged up, it doesn’t make us useless. It actually makes us more useful to God. He can use our hurts and our mistakes to help others. He can use our imperfect selves to do way more in this world than if we pretend we’re perfect.

When my kitchen table was only used a couple of times a year, it was useful but it didn’t get used much. I protected it. I wanted to keep it looking nice. Now that our table is used every day, I still protect it to some degree, but I let people use it for a whole lot more than I did when it was a special occasion piece. And we’re just like that. God can use our less-than-perfect finish to make an impact on the world because it’s only through our imperfections that others can see and understand the saving grace of our perfect God.

So, if you’re feeling a bit dinged up today or your kids have picked up some scratches and dents along the way, take a look at your kitchen table. Run your hand lovingly over the scratches, the dents and the Sharpie marker remnants. Use it as a reminder that we don’t have to be perfect to be useful to God. We don’t have to offer up a pristine exterior to the world. God uses those scratches and dents in mighty ways when we let Him.

A One-Step-Back Kind of Day


Parenting is a lot like tug-of-war. Every time you think you’re making some progress, someone yanks on the rope and pulls you back the other direction. It’s a two steps forward, one step back proposition.

My younger daughter and I had one of those one-step-back days yesterday. At one point, I found myself just looking at her wondering, “Who is this child?” On those days when it feels like we’re being dragged across ground we’ve already covered, it’s tempting to want to throw in the towel. It’s tempting to want to throw up our hands and just give in to whatever it is that our kids want.

But that’s not why God made us parents. It’s not why He entrusted us with these precious lives to raise. Even on the days when it feels like we’re going backwards, we need to keep our eyes on the goal. We need to remember that everything we do as parents makes an impact — even when it seems like nothing is making a difference.

Whether we can see it or not, our kids are soaking up what we have to tell them. They are watching our every move, and what we do on those one-step-back days may be even more important than what we do on the two-steps-forward ones. Study after study tells us that parents are the biggest influence on their kids — even in the teen years. And we need to be careful what we do with that influence.

Losing our patience or throwing in the towel on our kids isn’t an option. Even though it may seem at times like we’re making no progress with our kids, we have to persevere. And we have to do it in a way that points our kids to God.

That means relying on God to help us hold onto our temper. It means seeking His strength to hold onto our patience when we have to explain something for the tenth time. It means spending time with Him every day so that we can pour out His love onto our kids — even when they aren’t very lovable.

Those one-step-back days serve to remind us that we can’t do this parenting thing on our own. It’s those days that force us to turn to God and rely on His strength and love to get through a long day with a child that, at that moment, isn’t very lovable. Those days encourage us to remember that we’re not strong enough or smart enough to raise these kids — but God is.

So if you’re having a one-step-back kind of day or week, remember this: God is walking with you. He’s got all the strength, love and patience you’re going to need. Tap into it because you are influencing the hearts of your kids — even if it seems like you’re making no progress at all.

A Back to School Prayer

Back to School

Today is our first day of school. I didn’t sleep well last night. Every time I woke up, I had just one thought: “Please, God, don’t let this be a disaster.”

Now, that might seem like a strange prayer for the first day of school, but, honestly, if we can avoid having this year be a disaster for both of our kids, then I’ll consider it a success. Last year was tough for my older daughter. I’m praying that this year includes more friends, more joy and more learning than she had last year.

For my younger daughter, I’m praying that this year of homeschooling is the best thing that we ever did for her. I’m praying for some attitude change, some maturing and, honestly, that she and I won’t kill each other.

It’s important that our kids know that we’re praying for them, especially as they start a new adventure. Knowing that mom and dad are praying for their day gives them an extra boost of confidence as they head to school — in whatever form it takes in your family.

So, here’s the prayer I’ll be praying over my kids’ days this year. Because I know that God is holding them in His hands, even if I’m not there.

A Back to School Prayer

As you head off to school today, this is what I’m praying for you:

I’m praying that your day will go smoothly — that your locker will open, that you’ll get to class on time, that you won’t forget anything, that you’ll find friends in your classes.

I’m praying that your teachers will know just how to teach you in a way that you will love to learn.

I’m praying that you will make friends who will have your back, make you laugh and will make you better.

I’m praying that you’ll have the opportunity to be the light of Jesus to someone.

I’m praying that you will always be kind, even in the face of conflict or disagreement.

I’m praying that you will seek out the new person or the lonely person and help them find their place.

I’m praying that you’ll learn to be a leader.

I’m praying that you will do everything to the best of your ability — even when you don’t want to.

I’m praying that you will be focused on the things your teachers are trying to teach you.

I’m praying that you’ll have confidence from knowing you are a child of God.

I’m praying that if things go wrong, you’ll always remember that God loves you and so do we.

I’m praying that you’ll laugh a lot during your day.

I’m praying that you will follow in Jesus’ footsteps and grow in wisdom and in stature and in favor with God and man.

Most of all, I’m praying that this year will be filled with learning, growth, joy and fun.

Have a great year!

For a printable copy of this prayer, click on the picture at the top.

Don’t forget to enter the Back to Homeschool giveaway with more than $1,000 in prizes. You can enter here.

Seeing Red: Using Anger for Good

I’m on vacation with my family this week. Enjoy this series from the archives.

Most of the time, we consider anger to be a negative emotion. Out-of-control anger can lead to all kinds of terrible things — physical retaliation, hurtful words, reckless actions. Yet, controlled anger can be an impetus for change. God and Jesus get angry, so the emotion can’t be all bad. There has to be a useful purpose for it.

I’ve watched both my daughters get angry when they’re playing their respective sports. And I’ve watched them use that anger to play harder. When my oldest daughter gets beat in soccer and the other team scores, it makes her mad. That makes her go out on the next play more determined not to get beat. In that way, her anger is a useful tool.

Many organizations that help others were founded out of a profound anger at the injustice in the world. Whether it’s a parent who’s child was murdered that channeled their anger into starting a foundation that provides free self-defense classes for women or a person who has been to India and was angered by the lack of clean water available and took the initiative to begin providing clean water, anger has it’s purpose.

You see, when we get angry about the things that make God angry, then we can use that anger to create something good. Jesus used his anger to drive the money lenders out of the temple. God used His anger to defeat the enemies of the Israelites. We can use our anger for good as well.

Learn to channel your anger into something constructive. When you’re angry about something, ask yourself the question “What can I do about it?” If the answer is nothing, then decide whether what you’re angry about is deserving of your anger. If the answer is something, decide what that something is and get moving.

Teach your kids to channel their anger into something constructive as well. When your kids get angry, use that energy to constructively solve whatever problem they are having. Talk with your kids about how they can use the energy their anger creates to make a difference. Let your kids take the lead in figuring out how to use their anger for good. Maybe it’s standing up to a bully. Maybe it’s making a new friend. Maybe it’s helping to feed the hungry. Whatever it is, help your kids learn to take their anger and use it in a way that’s pleasing to God.

Anger doesn’t have to always cause harm. Our anger can be the thing that spurs us to change the world — even if it is just in our own back yard. You don’t have to start a big organization, either. If your kids’ disobedience makes you angry, create a plan to teach your kids first-time obedience. If your child is angry about the way the mean girls in class treat her, channel that anger into an understanding of bullying and how to stand up to a bully.

Take control of your anger and use it to foster change today.

If you missed the rest of the Seeing Red: Learning to Control Your Anger series, you can find the first post here.